why cant you be a little more of a mystery?????
why cant you be the part of me thats missing.... instead of leaving me for some other??? so good of a song. so i got a fatty tax return this year and im very pleased about it. it means that i get to just focus on school and not worry about work or anything else. i just get to condition my hopeful future. friday should be good. friday the thirteenth. i remember these when i was a kid. i loved them. i would play outside all day and make up stories in my mind and play jason vorhees and tremors and then go inside at night with my friends or myself or my mom and watch friday the thirteenth movies. i loved being a kid. i didnt have much. i had a lot a handful of good toys though. and great friends to play with. i hail from humble origins. we didnt have much money when i was younger. my family doesnt have much money now, but a lot lot lot lot less when we were kids. and it seems that my parents priorities were a tad mixed as well. i love life so much. i need to remember that. everytime i start to flip about what im going to become in the future i need to think about how great it is just to be alive at all. maybe ill do something great. maybe not. i hope. i just need to keep my priorities straight and keep my focus on school and education. not that i will ever not, but i need to stress it in my mind. which everyday is changing. i am losing my attachment to everything and i love it. there are a few things that stay poignant in my mind though, education, training, skateboarding, and a few others. another thing i love in life is video games. not that many though. im very particular about those. there are only a few that i actually enjoy when you take into consideration how many there are. but then again its like that with a lot of things. i never was very good at video games though. but i enjoy the shit out of playing them. i love my friends too. my old ones and the new. anthony i miss so much. i miss seeing him every morning on christmas break. he would come over everyday or i would go to his house everyday and we would play games and talk and play outside and eat pizza or cereal or pop tarts and go play with chris or jessica or lindsay. i love my life so much. its not the best life, but then again it is. there are a lot of things i would change obviously but then again i would be me if they were changed. not to say i wouldnt be better but still. my mind is the world's for the molding ive decided. not for controlling though. i will take everything in and make it my own. even if i hate it. dane cook is so funny. i think its weird how our perceptions change as we age. sometimes ill get this feeling on a morning when i wake up and the sun is shining in my windows like im eight again. and ill look all over my room and think about the day ahead of me. my mind is thinking differently i can feel it. but then ill snap back into my 22 year old mind and think straight again. its like im seeing with different eyes. percieving with a different brain. its hard to explain. We do not stop playing because we age, we age because we stop playing. i dont remember who said that or where i heard it but i like that. i will never stop playing. i cant. my mind will not let me. ill be the same old me that ive been forever. i know that. even if what i think, see, and hold in high regards changes ill still be the same person with these new approaches. i can feel it. and i love it. im not the greatest person ever. im not even really that good of a person. but i guess im satisfied with how i am inside. i would obviously change things about me if i could, and i will. but all in all im pretty happy with what i am. well, i have homework i need to get started on. greek is getting really hard. which just means that i need to spend more time on it. which is what i will do since i dont have to get a job for even longer now. awesome. i want to sell more and rid myself of more possessions. ive come a long way in the last... i guess its like two years now that ive been getting rid of stuff. ive come a long way. i remember what my room looked like when i started. i cant believe that i let myself get that bad. i got so caught up in clinging to all the things that i wanted for my whole life, especially as a kid, and when i got the money when i was older i bought all of them. like i was seeking some retrobution for what i didnt have as a kid, when in reality i had everything i needed as a kid, except for a college fund. third eye blind is so good. when i was younger i would be embarrased for some of the things that i like. why?? thats so weird. i would completely dishonor things that i actually like by denying my interest or emotions toward them. why did i do that? im happy that i got out of that a lot earlier than it seems most people do. i wonder if i could change things ive done in the past if i would be sitting here today with everything basically the same way that it is now. i wonder how many little decisions actually change the course of time. obviously there are decisions that greatly effect the future, but i wonder how many little insignificant ones can make that big of a change. i know for a fact if i could change something about the way i was, i would definitely put more emphasis on education as a child. and i would have studied more in high school... maybe... certain things. like grammar. and i would have saved my money rather than spend all of it when i got my job after high school. ok thats all for right now. bye no one that read this. | 
